He
burps, farts, then burps again, but the awful internal pressure
only grows worse and worse. Sweating, shaking, cheeks and stomach
bulging, Albert Albert continues to swell up until, ultimately
. . . .
He explodes.
The detonation wipes out most of a city block, leaving a great,
smoking crater in the earth.
And the fallout is devastating.
******
On the Friday evening when Albert Albert detonates in Indiana,
his old friend Johnny Johnson is New York City, having just moved
into his new (rathole) apartment with his wife of seven months.
Now nine months pregnant, Joanie Johnson's due date is the end
of next week.
In high school, Johnny was branded a homosexual because he would
get spontaneous erections in the boys' showers.
As it turns out, Johnny's sense of non-smell isn't complete. There
is one odor he can detect: lilac. Back in high school, one of
the guys on the football team (who was actually the closet gay)
used to use lilac-scented shampoo in the shower. That was what
was turning Johnny on.
When Johnny met Joanie, who sometimes wears lilac perfume, it
was a revelation.
Then one night, after they made love, Joanie assured Johnny that
many straight guys were secretly turned on by Justin Timberlake.
That removed the final impediment to him declaring himself a heterosexual.
Tonight, Johnny and Joanie are watching television together when
the news breaks. Initial reports are sketchy. All the networks
agree a cataclysmic event has taken place southeast of Chicago
but no one seems to be able to agree on the nature of the disaster.
The problem gets only worse as rescuers and reporters rush to
the scene.
An incident Johnny watches on CNN becomes typical of many. Wolf
Blitzer goes Live to a reporter who is just outside Wabash, Indiana.
The reporter says, "I'm standing, Wolf, just yards away from
the place where a massive explosion rocked this farming --"
Off screen, the voice of the cameraman is heard yelling, "We're
miles from Ground Zero! Read the teleprompter, bubble-head!"
The reporter shouts, "Screw you, paparazzo boy! I reject
'facts,'" he makes little quotation marks in the air with
wiggles of his fingers, "that come from a machine! Do you
hear me?!" He shrieks at the top of his lungs directly into
his microphone, "I reject the notion that truth can be dished
out in three minute increments!!"
The off-screen voice shouts back, "Oh yeah? Well, I reject
you and your stupid hair!!"
The camera is thrown down.
The feed goes dead.
Neither the cameraman or the reporter are ever heard from again.
By the next morning, everyone is in a panic. The entire nation
now seems infected by some kind of madness. The few members of
the media still on the air are using phrases like, "group
hysteria," "mass hallucination," even "unknown
plague," and "global pandemic."
All the news is bad.
Police, fire fighters, and members of all branches of the military
reject the orders of their commanders and, en masse, walk off
the job. Basic services break down as work forces are depleted.
There is a great deal of speculation about biological warfare
and terrorist attacks.
By nightfall, on the day after the explosion, the fallout reaches
Johnny Johnson and his young wife.
Joanie asks him, "What do you want for supper? Are peas okay?"
Peas are his favorite but he immediately says, "No."
"Hamburgers, then?" asks Joanie?
"No," says Johnny.
"Hamburgers and peas?" asks she.
"You decide," says he.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Why should I have to cook? Why don't you cook?"
"I can't cook."
"Have you tried?"
"Um, yeah. Don't you remember the grease fire?"
"We should go out to dinner."
"No way!"
"Fine, then we'll just starve!"
"Screw that! I'm hungry!"
It goes on like this for two solid hours. Every suggestion she
makes, he rejects. Every counterproposal he makes, she nixes in
turn.
Angry, Johnny finally goes outside, just to get away from her.
Suddenly, he thinks of Albert Albert. Intuitively, Johnny Johnson
connects the dots and is the only human being on the planet who
understands what happened.
Johnny knows that Albert was rejected again and the poor bastard
had finally reached his limit. Some terrible disappointment (on
a par with when Johnny dissolved their friendship) has caused
Albert to explode, spewing all his rejections into the atmosphere.
There will never be anything United about the States of America
again.
Soon, every civilization on Earth will collapse.
Johnny listens to arguments going on in his neighborhood, shouts
emanating from open windows. Every member of the Cleaver family
rejects the idea they are responsible for cleaning up the dog's
mess. Mrs. Carver rejects Mr. Carver's contention that she started
their escalating argument. The Butchers reject public decency
laws, which, Johnny is certain, will lead to other neighbors rejecting
restrictions against homicide.
People reject every suggestion, every proposition, every good
idea.
Most catastrophic of all, people refuse each other sex.
After today, no more babies will ever be conceived.
Men even reject themselves. With no outlet for their horniness,
they start killing each other in droves.
Johnny has another epiphany. "I'm a dirty double-crosser!"
He gasps, hurt to his soul to realize this. "I never should
have abandoned Albert, no matter how lame his Doc Ock answer was.
I should have forgiven him, just like Obi-wan and Yoda forgave
Anakin."
As Johnny is about to cry, the door opens and Joanie comes wobble-running
out. "It's time," she says.
"What?" says Johnny. "Time for what?"
"Time for me to have a baby."
Johnny is shocked. "I thought she wasn't due 'til next week!"
"I think she's decided to come a little early," snips
Joanie. "If that's okay with you."
It's not, but that's how it happens anyway.
******
"NO!
I'M STILL NOT READY FOR HIM. SEND HIM BACK."
"But Lord! He suffered so many rejections, he actually exploded!
His body is destroyed!"
"SO?"
Saint Peter sighs heavily. "Very well, then. As you wish,
my Lord. He will be conceived tonight and in nine months --"
"NO!" says God, sounding especially perturbed "I
WANT HIM GONE NOW!"
"Well," says Saint Peter, rubbing his beard in thought.
"I suppose we could swap him out for --"
God interrupts again, "JUST DO IT."
Saint Peter smiles. "Consider it done, my Lord."
******
Albert's new mother screams at his new father, "Don't touch
me, you bastard!"
Johnny sounds stupid even to himself as he asks, "I thought
it was supposed to be a girl. Why does she have a penis?"
"It's a boy, you idiot!"
Johnny preferred a boy anyway. Thinking of the doctor who read
the ultrasound, he exclaims, "Dumbass."
"Who you calling a 'dumbass'?" screams Joanie.
Ignoring her, Johnny declares, "I'm naming him Albert, after
my old friend."
"Like Hell you are!"
Albert knows this new world he's being born into has got to be
better than the last one.
Somewhere outside, someone is screaming.
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