"Not
really."
"So, if you're eager to do it now, that's fine with me."
"Do what now?"
His father clarifies, "If you decide you'll like to file
for legal emancipation, we won't fight you."
"Emancipation?" Albert's voice becomes quite shrill.
"Is that where they declare me legally an adult and I have
to, like, um, get a job and start paying my own way and stuff?"
His father reluctantly admits, "Basically, that's it, yeah.
But you also gain your own freedom, your own independence!"
"Oh, no, no, no!" says Albert, shaking his head. "No
way! Eighteen is soon enough for me!"
"Dammit!" says Adam. "You wussy!" The elder
Albert storms back into the house.
******
Later that evening, Albert unintentionally kills his mother.
To his way of thinking, it's just as much his father's fault as
his. It's his dad who tells his mother, "Albert's birthday
was today." Adam sighs heavily before he says, "He was
born sixteen years ago."
"No!" says his mother immediately. "Albert was
born three years ago."
It's only the three of them in the living room and Albert starts
to leave but his mother points at him, shouting, "Sit your
ass down!"
Albert sits his ass down.
"Now," through gritted teeth, Agnes Albert snarls, "Take
it back! Adam was born three years ago today." She glowers
at Adam. "Right, honey?"
Generally his father backs down in the face of his mother's wrath.
Tonight Adam defies her and Albert cringes. His dad says, "Since
Albert just turned sixteen years old --"
"RRRAWR!" roars his mother, sounding like an enraged
she-bear.
After letting her growl, Adam continues, "He's only got two
more years left before he's out on his own."
"He is not sixteen years old!!"
Adam snaps, "Face reality, old woman!" Both Albert and
his mother gasp.
Agnes jumps to her feet, claws raised, yelling, "What did
you call me?!"
His father still has enough sense to be frightened by the murderous
look in his mother's eyes. Adam quickly says, "All I'm saying,
dear, is that Albert is old enough, I think, to be emancipated."
He acts like this is the most tremendous news.
Agnes, however, is as red as a radish. Eyes and veins bulging,
her body shuddering and shaking, she gasps for breath, little
splatters of saliva sputtering from her quivering lips as she
chokes out, "If he's s-s-sixteen years old then that means-"
She gasps. "That means I'm not forty-seven! That means --"
She gasps harder. "I'm --" She stutters, blubbers, drools,
"S-s-s-"
Albert really isn't trying to kill her. He's just trying to be
helpful. It's not often he knows the answer to a math problem
but he knows the answer to this one. "You're sixty-one years
old, Mom."
The shriek is heard twelve blocks away. More than a dozen of the
Alberts' neighbors call 911 to report someone being murdered.
Albert is sitting the closest to his mother when she screams and
he's amazed his eardrums don't burst. As it is, he experiences
total deafness, which won't wear off for over a week.
Screaming her blood-curdling scream, Agnes Albert experiences
a massive heart attack and dies.
Father and son stand over the corpse, looking down at it.
"You killed her," says Albert's father. Albert can't
read lips but he still senses he's being blamed for this.
"Screw it," says Adam. "You can stay until you're
eighteen."
******
The only time in his life Albert ever gets any respect from his
family is at his mother's funeral. His ears are still ringing
and he isn't certain, but he thinks his oldest brother actually
tells him, "Good job."
*******
During his junior year of high school, Albert applies to a different
university every day. When that results in 365 rejections, he
becomes worried he'll never get into college. He broadens his
search, applying to universities in countries overseas.
He can't even get accepted into a beauty school or a community
college.
As their senior year of high school wears down, Albert tells Johnny,
"This is hopeless. I'm going to die of starvation the moment
my dad kicks me out of the house. I wish I were three again."
Johnny tells him, "Stop being a dumbass. I can't get you
into college, but I can get you a job."
"What?" Albert is incredulous.
Johnny looks at Albert and says, "You're not going to like
your boss and God knows he's going to hate you, but you'll make
minimum wage and get to take home all the old syrup that's past
its expiration date."
Albert can't believe this. He's been rejected by every fast food
place in a fifty-mile radius. He's put in applications at McDonald's,
Steak-n-Shake, Subway, Wendy's, White Castle, Burger King, A&W,
KFC, Penguin Point, Papa John's, Domino's, Pizza Hut, Pizza King,
and Everyman's Pizza. Everyman's Pizza hires everybody, but they
won't hire him.
Albert has tried calling managers on the phone (who generally
won't take his call.) He's tried talking to managers in person
(who generally threaten to call the cops if he doesn't leave the
premises). He's tried applying for jobs online, which only results
in him getting his rejections at the speed of light.
He asks, "What kind of place pays you in old syrup? I've
tried all the IHOPs and Bob Evans' around here too, ya know."
Johnny rolls his eyes. "They don't pay you in old syrup.
It's one of the fringe benefits."
Albert is confused. He's thinking of maple syrup (and Mrs. English)
and he can't imagine any job that would give maple syrup as a
benefit, not unless it's a breakfast restaurant. "Are you
talking about one of the places along the interstate or something?"
He hasn't applied at any of the truck stops. He's never been exactly
certain what "ten-four" means and so he chooses to disassociate
himself with truckers altogether, out of fear of making some embarrassing
faux pas.
"No, no, no. I'm talking about my Uncle Fergie's business!"
Johnny beams at Albert.
Albert knows this is a great gift he's being given. He just doesn't
know what specifically the gift is. He never knew Johnny had an
Uncle Fergie. So he seeks clarification, "And your Uncle
Fergie's business is. . . ?"
"God, dude! Don't you know anything?" Johnny shakes
his head with disgust.
"Not really, no."
Johnny explains, "My Uncle Fergie owns Frigid Shack!"
"Frigid Shack? Which Frigid Shack?" Albert wants to
know, "The one on Broadway, the one on Jackson Street, or
the one out on the bypass?"
"He owns all of them, dude."
"Your uncle owns all the Frigid Shacks?"
Johnny puffs up with pride. "Damn straight. My Uncle Fergie
was the guy who came up with the entire Frigid Shack concept."
Albert makes the mistake of asking, "What's the Frigid Shack
concept?"
Johnny talks for hours, with glowing pride, about his Uncle Fergie's
dream. In the city where they live, Dairy Queens offer slushies
and Snow Castles offer snow cones, but only Frigid Shacks offer
both slushies and snow cones.
Finally Albert realizes, "So, the syrup you get paid in is,
like, some of the leftover slushie favors?"
"Duh! You're such a dumbass. What did you think it was?"
Albert hates getting his hopes up. It never works out. But this
sounds really good. He asks Johnny, "What do I have to do
to get the job?"
"I'll talk to my Uncle. I'll tell him you're my buddy and
he'll hire you. He'll still make you go through an interview but
that's just because he wants to make certain you can smell."
"What?"
"Smell!" Johnny shouts at him, "You can smell,
can't ya?"
"Yeah," says Albert, not totally certain what that means.
"I can smell okay."
"Well, good. Because if you can't smell the syrups, you'll
never be able to mix up a Fruit Nut Surprise!"
Albert dares to assume this will all make sense once he gets some
training. He asks Johnny, "If this job is so great, how come
you don't work for your Uncle?"
"Oh. Me? I can't smell." He flicks his nose repeatedly,
but doesn't bring a single tear to his eyes. "Dead as a cucumber,"
he says with a sigh, then angrily flicks his nose again.
From that day on, Albert stops wearing deodorant when he and Johnny
hang out together. He no longer sees the point.
*****
Johnny's Uncle Fergie meets Albert beside the Frigid Shack outside
the Wal-Mart where Albert has applied for employment and been
rejected repeatedly. Ferguson Fauntleroy begins his association
with Albert by saying, "I don't like you. I've only just
met you and I don't like you."
"I understand, sir." Albert nods. "I get that all
the time."
Mr. Fauntleroy gives him a dubious look. "And your name is
really Albert Albert?"
"Yes," says Albert, lowering his head. "That's
really my name."
"Geez!" Mr. Fauntleroy snorts laughter. "And I
thought Johnny's dad hated him."
Not knowing how to respond to that, Albert settles on, "Yes,
sir."
"So tell me, Bert." He's been called Al occasionally
(and doesn't like it) but he's never been called Bert before (and
likes it even less). "If you were me, why would you hire
you?"
Instantly Albert begins to perspire. His mind goes blank. He hadn't
known that questions would be asked in a job interview!
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