by William Markly O'Neal

Anger repeatedly devises elaborate means of interjecting plugged-in electrical appliances into Albert's nightly bath. Once, shortly before Albert misses his fifth birthday for the fifth time, Albert barely escapes one of Anger's deathtraps but the house's electrical system does not.
After nearly burning down the family home trying to kill Albert, brother Anger is sent off to reform school.

******

Whenever Albert's mother takes him to neighbor's houses or to visit his many cousins, she generally becomes exasperated by Albert's lack of friends. Albert's older brothers all have friends.
No one ever wants to play with Albert. Each child generally has their own reasons for rejecting him, everything from "he's mean," to "he's stupid," to "he stinks," but all the reasons really boil down to the same reason. Nobody likes him.
None of his aunts or uncles like Albert either.
People say to his mother, always loudly so Albert can overhear, "It's not natural -- a child not having any friends. It's the quiet ones you have to watch, you know."
That doesn't make any sense to Albert. Anger was the arsonist and would-be murderer of the family. Anger was loud as Hell but he was clearly the one who needed watching.
Finally, as Albert is about to officially start junior high school, Agnes Albert has had enough. She angrily tells him, "If you don't make a friend this year, I'll kill you with my own hands."
He knows she means it. He realizes he was foolish to fear Anger more than his mother. His mom is much older, much more calculating, much more capable of carrying out her death threat. Albert takes her seriously.
He misunderstands, however, and thinks he has the entire school year to make a friend. By November, his mother is already impatient. "Have you made a friend yet, Albert?"
Albert very rarely speaks to his mother. In this instance, he just shakes his head.
She surprises him by changing the deadline. "I told you if you didn't make a friend by the New Year, I would kill you with my own hands."
"But, Mooooom!" She hates it when he whines but he can't help himself. "I thought you meant I had the whole school year!"
"What is wrong with you, Albert? Why in the world did God curse me with a mutant son!"
Albert hangs his head and says nothing. Once she gets started on one of her rants, he knows he'll only makes matters worse if he speaks.
"I did everything humanly possible to prevent you from being born! God decided, in all His infinite wisdom to bless this house with yet another male! Like the first twelve weren't enough!" She grabs her hair, her face contorted as if she's in agony. "What am I going to do with you? Do you like being an unnatural freak who routinely breaks your poor mother's heart?'"
Suddenly she grabs him by his collar and yanks him out of his chair, pulling his face right up next to hers. "Are you trying to kill me again?! Are you!?!"
Meekly, he replies, "No, Mom." Albert knows, to her way of thinking, his first attempt at killing her was when he was born with a penis.
She shoves him back into his chair, shrieking, "Then make a friend!!!"
Albert finds he has no appetite, even though he has a plate of peas before him, his favorite food.

******

He begins asking fellow students at school if they will be his friend. Everyone rejects him. He asks people in the neighborhood. He calls and asks his cousins. He asks the smelly guy who works at Gas America. He even asks the local schizophrenic pedophile who lives at the city dump.
Nobody wants to be his friend.
Albert always knew he'd die by this mother's hand.
Then Fate intervenes.
Albert Albert reaches puberty.
One night he goes to bed uninterested in girls.
The next morning, he wakes up really interested in girls.
At breakfast, he asks his mother, "If I make a girlfriend, that counts as a friend, right? Will you kill me if I get a girlfriend instead of a guy friend?"
After laughing for a very long time, his mother wipes tears from her eyes and promises, "If you go steady with a girl, I'll not only not kill you, I'll give you a million dollars!"
Albert doesn't think she's particularly funny. He knows she doesn't have a million dollars.
Gloomy days pass. Albert approaches all the ugliest and fattest girls at the school, knowing he'll never get a good-looking girl to be his friend.
Albert gives the girls who are routinely rejected the rare opportunity to reject. And reject him they do, often with a mixture of laughter and cruelty.
As Christmas break approaches and his days on this planet grow shorter, Albert desperately goes back to asking out the male outcasts. At least with them, he can get out the words, "Will you be my friend?" without panting.
Then one day, an act of desperation changes Albert's life.
It's after he's spent a full hour in Mr. Himler's History class, staring at Suzy Swann, who's dressed today in her cheerleader outfit to show her school spirit before the big game. He knows Suzy is already dating Sam Swackhammer, the star football/basketball jock extraordinaire. Everyone for fifty miles knows that Suzy is Sam's girl. And everyone who's recently walked the hallowed halls of this Indiana junior high school has known someone who looked at Suzy the wrong way and consequently suffered the wrath of Sam Swackhammer and his muscle-bound cronies.
Essentially, it's suicide for Albert to talk to Suzy, and yet that's exactly what he does.
After class, out in the hall, he walks up to Miss Swann as she's talking to two of her friends, Sandy and Cindy. He intends to ask, Will you be my friend? but the only word he actually gets out is, "be."
Suzy asks, "Did someone say something?"
Sandy frowns. "Who is this loser?"
Cindy grimaces. "He's that weirdo with the stupid name."
Albert repeats himself, intending to ask, Will you be my friend? but all he gets out this time is, "you."
Sandy rolls her eyes. "Is he trying to say 'beautiful' or something?"
"His name is Marvin Marvin. Or something like that." Sandy's nose and upper lip are curled up in an expression of disgust. "I think he's retarded."
Shocked, Suzy squeals, "Is he talking to me?"
The three girls put their heads together and chorus, "Ewwwwww!"
Cindy mimics choking, extending her tongue and sticking a finger down her throat.
Dejected, his moment of lust-crazed insanity over, Albert turns away from the girls . . . only to find himself facing a living mountain of raw testosterone. Sam Swackhammer already has his fists raised. Albert knows this is going to end badly.
Sam growls, "Were you talking to my girlfriend?"
After that, Albert doesn't know much of anything for a while.
When he regains consciousness on the floor, he sees Sam is also on the floor. As Swackhammer gets up and makes a hasty retreat, back into the bosom of his jock buddies, Albert moans from a terrible headache.
A hand is extended to him.
He looks up and sees Johnny Johnson, perhaps the only person in school who's bigger than Sam Swackhammer. Albert has heard the rumors about Johnny: that he was kicked off the eighth grade football team and ostracized because he became a bit too excited in the boy's locker room.
Albert has no idea what to expect.
Once Albert is back on his feet, Johnny asks him, "Is your name really Albert Albert?"
"Yes," says Albert, rubbing his aching head.
"That's a stupid name."
"I know," admits Albert. "My parents hate me."
Johnny looks at Albert sideways, scowling. "Well, I don't like you either."
"I understand." Albert sighs. "Nobody likes me."
Johnny leans a little closer and lowers his voice as he confesses, "I'm apparently gay."
"Okay," says Albert.
"I'm not gay for you though." Johnny is quick to make it known, "You're not the least bit attractive."
"I understand. I doubt even Richard Simmons could be queer for me."
"If you ever double-cross me, I'll kill you myself with my bare hands."
"Okay." Albert chokes up, his heart swelling with emotion. This is the kind of caring only his mother exhibits for him. Albert promises, "I'll never double-cross you."
"Good," says Johnny Johnson. He nods, starts to turn away, then stops and extends his huge hand.
Albert shakes it.
For the first time in his short life, Albert is hopeful. He thinks he might live to see the age of four after all.

******

Two days later at school it becomes official.
Albert always sits alone at lunch. Johnny comes over and sits down next to him.
They eat in silence for a while and then Johnny suddenly stares at Albert and asks, "Do you like science fiction?"
"Yeah.
"Star Trek?"
"Sure."
Johnny gives Albert a look that suggests he's lying. He tests Albert by asking, "TOS or Next Gen?" He says it like 'toss,' which rhymes with 'moss,' but it's actually an acronym that stands for The Original Series.
Albert says, "Deep Space Nine."