by William Markly O'Neal

Albert is born on November 6, 1984. On the same day Americans resoundingly reject Walter Mondale for their next President, Albert's mother becomes the first person to reject him.
When he's slapped on the butt by the doctor, Albert doesn't exactly cry so much as gasp.
And then his mother demands to know, "What is it?"
Having only seen human beings for less than a minute, Albert can still tell there's something wrong with the doctor. Because of a mask, the baby can only see part of the old man's face, but he is able to see the pediatrician's eyes. It's his first glimpse of fear.
His mother wails, "Oh, no!"
Now Albert does begin to cry.
The doctor says, in a voice so meek it can barely be heard over Albert's bawling, "He's perfectly healthy, Mrs. Albert."
"He?" His mother's voice is so much louder outside the womb. "Oh, my God! No!!"
The doctor sighs. He becomes the second person to reject Albert when he hands the seven-pound infant to an old, scary nurse.
Baby Albert cries harder. He doesn't understand how he can understand what these people are saying, but he does.
"Please, Mrs. Albert. Try to remain calm."
"Calm?! With another goddamn male in my life? That's what you're saying, isn't it? That I had another boy!?!"
The doctor offers his sincere condolences. "I'm afraid so."
Agnes Albert pounds her own chest. "God hates me!! He haaaaaaates me!!!" She bursts into hysterical sobbing.
As Albert is taken away from his mother, a different nurse enters the room. This new, pretty, younger nurse looks at the old hag holding Albert and asks, "Did Mrs. Albert have another boy?"
Nurse Wretched nods. "I'm afraid so."
"Oh, my God! What is that? Her tenth?"
"Her twelfth!"
Agnes Albert hears what the old nurse says and shrieks, "Thirteen boys in the house!" She screams like an crazed banshee, "Thirteeeeeeen!! God hates me! He's driving me insane!!!" She pulls her own hair.
A scuffle ensues as nurses seek to restrain her.
Doctors dispense pharmaceuticals.
Having shared blood with this woman for the last nine and a half months, Albert knows all about drugs. He isn't certain if he's more fond of nicotine, codeine, or grenadine.
Suddenly, the old witch holding him tries to pass Albert off to the young nurse.
The young pretty nurse is the third person to reject him. She takes a step away from the baby, putting her hands behind her back, looking a little panicked as she asks, "What are you doing?"
Albert's nurse glares at him. Instinctively, she'd tried to give him away, despite the fact that it's her responsibility to clean him up.
The pretty nurse turns around and flees the delivery room.
The ugly nurse sighs.
Agnes Albert's last words before she drifts off into drug-induced stupor is, "Take it back! I don't want it! Please, God, not another penisssss!"

******

Later, when Albert is rejected by his father, he never cries.
The nurse now holding Albert isn't old, just enormously fat and she smells funny. A second, skinnier nurse asks Adam Albert, "What are you going to name him, sir?"
His dad laughs without humor, looking red-eyed tired, bitter, and generally perturbed. "Well, let's see. We've already got Angelo and Aaron."
Adam begins counting on his fingers, initiating Albert's lifelong hatred of math. "We've got Alan, Andy, Arnold, Alex, and Anthony."
The second nurse is keeping track, "That's six," poorly.
"Seven," says the other nurse.
"Then there's the twins, Adam Junior and Apple."
"Apple?"
"He's the apple of my eye!" Adam says sarcastically, like it's a well-worn joke that wasn't funny the first time he told it.
"That's nine."
Albert's father wonders, "Who am I forgetting?" He pauses and then asks the nurse, "Did I mention Aaron?"
"Yes."
Adam counts on his fingers again, "Alan, Andy, Archie, Arnold, A-"
"Archie. You didn't mention Archie."
"Oh, right!"
Adam smacks his forehead, saying sarcastically, "How could I forget Archie!"
"That's ten," says the skinny nurse.
"Right," says the fat, smelly nurse holding Albert.
"One more," says his father, looking harried.
The skinny nurse suddenly blurts out, "I gotta ask. Have you ever considered any names that don't start with the letter A?" She shrugs sarcastically. "Just a thought."
"Oh yeah, right!" Adam Albert scoffs. "What I wouldn't give to name a son of mine 'Marv!' But let's see you explain your reasoning for breaking family tradition to my father Anubis!" Adam shudders with fear.
"So, what are you going to name this son, Mr. Albert?"
For a moment his father looks perfectly miserable. Then he looks directly at his infant boy and says, "Albert."
"What?"
The fat nurse snickers. She's the first person in Albert's life to use laughter as a form of rejection. "Albert?"
For a moment his father continues to glare at him, then he looks up at the nurse and reiterates, "Albert."
"Albert Albert," the second nurse says and she's the second person to laugh at him.
"Screw him," says his father.
Albert's father walks out of the room.
It turns out Adam's eleventh son was named Anger by Albert's mother.
Considering that, Albert is almost glad he was named by his dad.

******

After two unsuccessful vasectomies, resulting in the births of Adam, Apple, and Anger, Agnes Albert no longer trusted either her husband or his doctors. She found her own doctor and had her tubes tied.
Somehow, she still managed to get pregnant with Albert.
Despite the sheer improbability of his birth, no one ever calls Albert a "miracle baby."

******

On his first birthday, his mother tries (unsuccessfully) to kill herself. It happens shortly after she is mistaken for Albert's great-grandmother. Albert knows his mother is only forty-six years old but everyone thinks she looks twice her age.
Another highlight of the party is when Albert's older brother, Anger, makes his first attempt at killing Albert, smashing cake in the baby's face. This marks the first of many incidents where Anger is paddled because of something he did to Albert, only to blame Albert for the whipping. Albert begins to fear his brother even more than his mother.
On his third birthday, Anger makes another attempt on Albert's life. This murder attempt is much more sophisticated; Anger sprays lighter fluid at the birthday candles just as Albert is blowing them out, resulting in Albert's first trip to the Emergency Room.
After beating Anger's butt, Albert's father declares, "No more birthday parties!"
Albert's mother can always top his father. She decrees, "No more birthdays, period."
For the next thirteen years, Albert remains the embarrassing age of three.
When he is three years old entering the first grade, his uncle Ashley gives him a puppy. The cocker spaniel absolutely loves everyone, even strangers, adoring all human beings equally, with one exception.
The puppy hates Albert, snapping at him at every opportunity. It also urinates frequently in Albert's shoes.
It becomes Anger's dog, who names it Assassin, and treats the beast as an equal conspirator in his plots to kill Albert.