by Edward Dudart

As my ink pot holds but one more drop of liquid and my stack of paper is whittled down to the final sheet, now is the time for me to compose a fare-thee-well to all my non-existent readers. It makes me a little sad that nobody will know how fine a writer is about to take his ultimate breath.

Nobody, that is, except for the good men and women at Bantam Publishers, who have shared with me the only success over so many years.

As I look at the book-laden shelf opposite of me, a warm feeling suffuses me. There, lovingly sorted in alphabetical order, stand the more than one hundred books that contain my life's work. They are in order of language, of course, as the title is always the same. It still affects me, even after all these years, to read the proud name of that most famous book on earth:

"The Guinness Book Of World Records".

As if it were only yesterday, I remember the feeling that engulfed me when I held my first rejection slip. Although a new writer, I instinctively felt this to be a turning point in my career. That magic feeling, although lessened somewhat over the years, never quite disappeared. I reverently framed the rejection which now holds an honorary place above the book-loaded shelf.

After the first rush subsided, I kept on writing, giving in to that irresistible urge deep inside that makes us writers. Over time, I filled many a virgin sheet with the, in my opinion, finest prose, and submitted my mind's children to every editor I could find listed. That started an endless flow of rejection slips, until one day I received a neatly wrapped parcel, containing a book. It came accompanied by a letter, which, also framed, now hangs side by side with my first rejection slip.

In that letter, a Mr. Norris McWirther explained that they included me in their book (complimentary specimen included) because the sheer number of my rejection slips was unsurpassed by any writer worldwide. I ripped the book out of its paper wrapping and feverishly looked for my entry. There it was: my name, in clear print... My eyes brimmed when, for the first time in my life, I saw my very name in print.

Mr. Edward Dudart from the Netherlands. 7694 Rejection slips in five years, all in the category "Outright."

Of course, my (late(ex)) wife and I celebrated that night. Next morning, I went back to my writing table with a fresh fervour. The Guinness Book entry had convinced me that this would lead me to fame.

After some thought, I decided to tackle the most difficult category of rejections, the "Not accepted by the narrowest margin" one. It took me seven years of persistence, but I made it in the end.

After I gained my most coveted record, it became easier to aim for a specific goal, I had found my "voice," my "style."

Over the years, I acquired the following World Records in the categories:

Rejected: By the narrowest margin,
Rejected: Barely accepted,
Rejected: Outright,
Rejected: Neutral,
Rejected: Kind,
Rejected: Rude,
Rejected: Forceful,
Rejected: With letter threatening bodily harm,
Rejected: With letter threatening death.

Alas, they could not include the explosive parcel as the police were unable to find conclusive proof that an editor sent it.

After Irene's funeral (which the kind people at Guinness paid for), I moved to a new apartment where I filled my days with a single-minded devotion to writing that bordered on the fanatical. Of course, with my name mentioned in all the categories, I went after the "most rejections in a lifetime" category, which is now firmly in my possession.

Before I cross the threshold of The Celestial Publisher, I feel the need for a successor, a literary heir to whom I can hand over my pen of glory. He (or she) should achieve a good standing with the Guinness people by simply following these easy rules.

1. Read the guidelines carefully, and then do the exact opposite.

2. Choose a hard to read font like Bauhaus 93, or Kunstler script.

3. Choose a small font size, e.g. 4 point or smaller.

It is very important to submit as fast and as much as you can so every superfluous keystroke is one too many! Therefore:

Never use quotes for your dialogue(s),
Never use capitals,
Never use punctuation,
Never correct anything.

A word of caution, though:

Do not forgo the use your space bar! Although it speeds up your writing, this is not a wise move. A sheet of paper covered in solid lettering but with a word count of just 1 makes even the dullest of editors suspicious.

Finally:

Never submit to female editors.
They always want to know:

Who,
Why,
What,
When,
Where,
With whom,
What diet,
How many times,
How many children,

and want to comment on:

What does she see in him?
O.M.G.! She can't be wearing that?!

This not only swamps your mailbox, but the replies will obviously lose you precious time.

Good luck, my dear successor. I shall watch over you, from the Editor's office in the sky.

Cordially,

Edward