by Thomas Henrich

Armageddon, Legageddon, It’s All Destruction to Me

All planets in this guide are strictly fictitious. For any inhabitants of planets that closely resemble any of the planets in this guide, I have a special message: Go soak your head. And if you must take revenge, take it on my future-telling talking llama; he told me all these!

Earth

Everyone knows how Earth is going to go. Nuclear War. The Earth’s leaders were in a summit meeting. The US representative was pointing nukes at Russia’s representative, who in turn pointed his own at China, who pointed its arsenal at Korea, who completed the circle by pointing at the US.

The representative from Australia lobbed a firecracker at the representatives from France and Great Britain. They launched their full nuclear capacity on Australia. After ten days of tedious bombing, they succeeded in killing one kangaroo, one koala, two cactuses, uh, cacti? and a various assortment of desert shrubs. The representatives then went home and got incredibly drunk, because they haven’t won a war in forever.

Back at the summit meeting, the Canadian representative stood up and asked, “Who can I point my nukes at, eh?”

The leaders looked around at their circle. They thought for awhile. It was a difficult question. Then, the Korean ambassador came up with an answer.

“Nobody. I think we’re good right where we are, thank you.”

The Canadian looked around imploringly at the other ambassadors. Then, kicking at the ground, he stomped back to his seat, folded his arms over his chest, screwed up his lips, and pouted.

“There, there; it’s okay!” the US ambassador comforted.

“Go away!” the Canadian said.

“No, no! I’m sure we can find someone to have you point at, maybe Norway, or Sweden, ooh! Czechoslovakia!”

The Canadian representative sniffled.

“You think?” he sniffed.

“Yeah, you go and have fun with the Czechs okay?”

And the Canadian rep skipped off to point his nukes at Czechoslovakia.

Suddenly, a shift in power! The penguins down in Antarctica unveiled their own nuke, which they subsequently fired. The humans knew who had done it, but they couldn’t come to an agreement as to who should step out of the circle to blow up those pesky penguins.

“There is only one way to resolve our differences!” the Chinese ambassador shouted.

They all nodded. As one, they covered their faces with one hand, and with the other, the slapping began. And the name calling.

“You inconsiderate ninny!” cried the Russian rep as he slapped at the Chinese rep.

“You communist pig!” the Korean ambassador retorted.

“You are selfish, pig-headed, badly dressed…” the US rep began.

A collective gasp went up among the ambassadors. The Korean ambassador began to cry.

“Look, I’m sorry,” the US rep apologized.

“You, you went to far there,” the Korean managed to get out.

“You can call me fat if you want. Go ahead!”

And so it went, slapping, name calling, until the world was so stuck in chaos, that the penguins were able to take it over easily. Then, they settled back for a nice smoke.

As one of the smoking penguins went by a volcano, he chucked his cigarette butt into it. The only problem was, it was still burning. It fell deep into the heart of the Earth, and, sadly, the Earth itself died of lung cancer.

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