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My quick dodge sent me tumbling to the asphalt, sprawled between the station wagon's front bumper and the ass end of a box truck. I caught approaching metal in my peripheral vision and ducked. The axe sliced through the air above my head. The blade imbedded into the wooden rollaway door of the box truck with a thud. El Camino ripped the axe violently out of the door sending wood fragments and dust into my face. He brought the axe up again and I rolled under the bumper of the box truck, hoping it was wide enough to conceal my frame. The blade crashed down on the truck's metal bumper. Sparks flew overhead like a fireworks display and even in the afternoon light they left trace lines in my vision for a few seconds. He raised the axe again and I noticed that my feet were inches from his leg. I kicked at his knee hard connecting squarely. In action films I had seen this move send bad guys tumbling to the ground dozens of time, allowing Bruce Willis or Jackie Chan those precious moments they needed to regain their feet and take control of the situation. Apparently Mr. El Camino hadn't seen any of those movies. He paused for a moment setting the axe on his shoulder. Raising an eyebrow he glanced down at his knee. At least my Nancy-boy kick had registered with him, not with the result I was going for but I did gain a moment. It was a moment I could have used to scurry under the truck for cover, but just as I started to move I caught a glimpse of a pair of feet moving behind Mr. El Camino. I immediately recognized those checkerboard-pattered Keds. It was Gina. She must have solved her seatbelt problem and was now moving in to help me. I could see her tiptoeing behind the maniac and I wondered what her plan could be. There was a variety of heavy objects in my car she could use to smash him on the head: full cans of Red Bull, my granddad’s wrench even a brick I used when parking on a hill. All I had to do was keep this guy's attention until she could finish sneaking up behind him and... But as I watched her checkerboard Keds get farther and farther away a sinking feeling came over me. Son-of-a-chicken-shit-bitch. I gazed up at Mr. El Camino and his head tilted a bit, eyes narrowing and I imagined him saying, Hey, remember me? The axe came off his shoulder and just for an instant I entertained the idea of not dodging the blow. Just let the finally crafted Sears and Roebucks blade split my skull open and avoid months of pain and feeling pitifully sorry for myself. A birthday present to me wrapped-up and delivered by a friendly axe-wielding nut-job. But in that moment as I wondered if life was worth living, words of wisdom filtered down from an unlikely source. Mr. El Camino. "Women can diminish a man's financial diversity. It's economic castration, Cha-ching." Yeah, I had no idea what that meant. But in that single insane moment his words spoke to me. It's like when Frank Sinatra starts doing that do-bee, do-wha stuff. No body knows what the Hell he's saying, but everybody gets it. El Camino swung the axe. And I ducked. The blade crashed into the steel bumper again sending sparks flying. He reared back for another assault and I could tell by his stance that he was taking new aim. No long interesting in removing my head he swung at a sharper angle targeting my legs. I curled my feet up into a fetal position banging my knees on the truck's undercarriage. The blade clipped the bottom of my shoes then impeded deeply into the truck's wide rear tire. There was an explosion of air and I felt rubber pelt my cheek. It stung like a bitch but I ignored it and started to squirm further under the truck. El Camino didn't seem fazed by the explosion. He pulled the axe away from the exposed rim and took another fast swing. It was a wild effort and it went wide, cutting into the asphalt next to my hip. "High return stocks can be illusive," he said as he crouched down. I had managed to scoot my entire body under the truck, safe from further swings. I hoped that he would move on in search of more easily dispatched victims. No such luck. His hand reached under the truck clawing at my feet. I kicked at him and continued to move away, my forehead scrapping on a grimy muffler and I felt dark gunk layer my face. "I am not over my limit," he said, as he seized my shoe. I kicked it off just as he started to pull me toward him. But his free hand grasped my other ankle and I felt his grip tighten. I started sliding across the pavement and I looked for something to grab. My hands clapped tight on the rear axle, which to my surprise is the greasiest thing you can grab under a vehicle. I really wish I had taken some auto-shop in high school. My hands slid down the slimy shaft as Mr. El Camino dragged me out with very little effort. He let my feet slap to the ground once my head was exposed to the sun once again and he moved to pick up his axe. I sat up fast and immediately felt dizzy. My body was about done. Up until this point, my life consisted of sitting on the couch playing video games, shopping for PEZ dispensers on E-bay and sending Gina obscene text messages. Besides the occasional one and half minute roll in the hay with my soon to be ex-girlfriend I didn’t engage in a lot of physical activity. If this adrenaline induced madness didn't end soon I was gonna puke. El Camino scooped up his weapon and turned toward me again just as I started to taste vomit in the back of my throat. He stood at my feet raising the axe slowly over his head. He was preparing a straight-on split-me-down-the-middle blow to end this cartoon. Tha-Tha-That’s all folks! I lay still breathing heavy, my heart pounding so hard I felt it in my temples. I wanted to move but exhaustion was starting to win me over. I threw my hands up and yield, "Wait!" El Camino's insane eyes narrowed and his head tilted like a confused dog. The axe hung in the air ready to descend and take my life but for the moment he was still like some murderous statue sculpted just for me. The next words out of my mouth had to be brilliant. They had to traverse the abyss of madness and somehow bring him over to the side of sanity - the side were people didn't think it reasonable to slaughter people on a highway with an axe. I
opened my mouth hoping that brilliance was about to emerge. It
didn't. "It's my birthday," I said in a trembling voice. |